It's Been Awhile...My Bad...

Hey peeps, it’s been a minute. Almost a year since I've written a blog post and I can't believe it. So much has happened in that time. Some things unexpected...we may get into that a bit later but, I'm back, hopefully for a while and I want to share what's on my heart today. So, let's get into it.

Originality. Before I got serious about my relationship with Christ, going to church was just something to check off my list. Like, you can say you go to church when you're on a date and the man is looking for a church going women. Check. I wasn't checked in though (see what I did there? Haha!). I was always distracted and didn't listen enough to the sermons to get anything out of what was being taught. Additionally, I was a great actor. I knew all the right things to say to sound like a "good Christian". I knew all the right movements. I could shout if necessary. I blended in very well but, it was all a show at the end of the day, because the moment I walked out those doors, I was back to the broken, lost, insecure child, finding "comfort" in her sin. I did that for years.

I became really serious about my relationship with Christ toward the end of 2012. I told God that I was going to give Him everything. No more half in, half out stuff. I was ready to be fully committed to Him and really experience relationship with Christ, but I struggled. I had to learn what it meant to be intimate with Christ. The world views intimacy as a sexual thing, but to be truly intimate is to be vulnerable and open emotionally to another. No physical contact involved. I didn't know how to do that because I really didn't have to do that in my life. At least I didn't think I did. So, when it came to spending time with the Lord, in the beginning, I put on a show. I said all the right things in my prayer time, but I barely hit the surface of what was going on with me. No originality. I wasn't really sharing. I was acting. Plus, our time together was so short, and my mind was on other things.

It wasn't until I started to really feel empty. You know, out of fuel. I needed something more and I just wasn't sure what was happening. I was going to church. In a ton of ministries but empty. It wasn't until God revealed to me that I wasn't allowing Him to fill me up because I refused to be broken before Him. Lord, what does that look like? How can I be vulnerable with you?

I didn't think that intimacy with the Lord was for me for a while because I couldn't find what worked for me. First, I couldn't get vulnerable. Then, when I learned to get vulnerable, I didn't know how to spend time with the Lord. Do I journal? Go on dates every Saturday with God? Just pray? Listen to worship music? Take notes on my phone while listening for God's voice? What's my niche? I started to pray about spending time with God. Lord, help me to spend time with you. He slowly, but surely, started to show me what our thing was. What worked for me and I made it a habit to spend time with God daily.

It started with the small things. The Holy Spirit would unction me to talk about something that happened earlier that day and be honest about how I felt about it in prayer. That expanded to talking about my day as a whole, to things that always bothered me, to my desires to draw closer to Him and so on. The more I was intentional about spending intimate time with Christ the easier it became to be vulnerable, and it turned from a chore to a desire. Now, I want to wake up each day and spend time with the Father. I need it.

So, what's the lesson here? God desires to spend intimate time with you. He doesn't want a show. He wants to know how you're really feeling about things. Those emotions you can't share with others, He wants to know about them. Originality. Be you with Christ in this time. Once you pour everything out, ask God to fill you right back up. Ask Him for guidance to get through each situation. Ask Him for wisdom. Ask Him for a renewed mindset each day. Ask Him for deliverance, breakthrough, healing and grace. Lean into Him in your intimate time. Don't just leave it with you pouring out your feelings. Ask God to help you move forward and to help you reflect Jesus each day with every situation. Make room for Him.